Okay, so tomorrow will be the first day in years that I have no need to be anywhere that has nothing to do with vacations, holidays, or health reasons. It has been somewhat of a challenging weekend working through the stress, anger, and bitterness of what my company has put me through the past several years, which has taken quite the toll on my physical and mental well being. The sad part is that I believe for a vast majority of the America middle class, what I endured is not the exception but the norm. I may post my thoughts about this soon once I have processed it all.
I will say that I have tried to keep myself busy physically to help run some of the steam out of me. By Saturday, I began to realize, that although this was a shitty thing to have done to me, it may have been for the best. I understood this as my heart was thumping wildly and my head was spinning. A few extra trips to the bathroom also highlighted the point. I was a tangled mess from trying to make unrealistic goals into reality, while the compensation for this tightrope juggling act was actually shrinking every time I looked.
While I had just been given a raise last year, the first in ten years and small at that, my medical package had increased sharply and I had just lost a significant part of my auto allowance. I have been eating peanut butter sandwiches for lunch and buttered noodles for most of my meals along with having no entertainment packages other than netflix streaming for the past two years and I even dropped that. I now only watch youtube videos and the occasional $5 dvd I allow myself to buy. Eating out was a 4 for $4 Wendy’s meal that I got medium sized for $5, that didn’t happen that much. I have been giving my company good hard work just so I could be poor.
I don’t totally blame them for that because I stayed out of comfort. I have no desire to be a manager, which is the only way to make any more money in a company like mine. As far as I can see, the small amount of money I would have gotten would not have compensated me for the BS I would have had to deal with and shovel. In addition, I would not have lasted long. I am not the type to quietly accept stupid ideas or out and out lying. I tend to tell you how I see things whether you like it or not. The only reason I lasted as long as I did through the last two years of idiotic changes was that my immediate boss did not pass along my questioning of the effectiveness, accuracy, and practicality of the information given to the sales force. It needed to be said but the truth is, as in most cases, no one upstairs wanted to hear it. Think of Wells Fargo. Anyway, I just wanted to do a good job and get a non-poverty wage, but for a lot of the middle class, this is asking too much these days. Sad!
So, in the end, I was fighting to keep a job that was making me poor; ruining my mental, moral, and physical health; and trying to point out glaring rose colored issues to people wearing thick rose colored glasses had no worth. I think this needed to happen for me, piss on them. I gave them good work for most of my 16 years with them. Not always but more often than not, even when they screwed me over royally. The funny thing is, I used to wonder how sales reps. in my line of work could sit in their cars and pretend to actually do the job, wonder how they could fudge the work they were doing. Now I know. The system breaks them down. Rocking the boat is rewarded with a quick slap of the paddle. Bad ideas are bullied through by people that don’t have to do the work and can avoid the consequences.
So, how am I doing? Scared, but okay so far. I have some plans running in my head, some you may be able to help with others not. I am taking some time to pick up the pieces that this ridiculous situation has scattered throughout my life. I am looking at my options and hoping to find some time to do art because I deserve it. Hopefully I will have something for you soon. Peace.